I used to believe that there was some magic formula for eating that would effortlessly result in thinness and freedom from farting and bloating. At the height of my disordered eating, I was working with a health coach who I had complained to about constant exhaustion which they theorized was adrenal fatigue. That ‘diagnosis’ scared the shit out of me because having a mother with autoimmune issues made me think I would soon be following in her footsteps. I thought I could avoid that outcome by blending the nutrition science of various ‘experts’ and achieve optimal health. I quickly fell down a rabbit hole of overwhelm about whether to count macros, eliminate food groups, or time my meals with precision. I eventually committed to a well-intentioned recommendation to follow a rotational elimination diet for 3 months (having never shown intolerances to any foods ever) in an attempt to find the cause of my adrenal fatigue. I had very little variety in food options and yet I felt so righteous for being so disciplined. I ignored the signs from my body – hair loss, hypothalamic amennorhea (loss of menstruation), fainting, and bruising – that I was doing more harm than good. I wish someone then had asked me, ‘Is the virtue you feel about what you eat more important than the pleasure you receive from eating it?’
This was my slippery slope to orthorexia – the obsession with ‘eating right’ to feel ‘healthy, pure, or natural’. The irony with the pursuit of health by orthorexia is that it ends up being the exact source of anxiety and GI distress that’s trying to be avoided in the first place. When it was time for me to reintroduce food groups, I remember being terrified of bananas because of their sugar content but also knowing that didn’t make sense. I looked at every plate of food like it had the potential to destroy me. I thought that if I allowed myself to eat previously forbidden foods that I’d become an insatiable monster and never stop eating. I even approached my health coach to say, ‘I think I have a fucked up relationship with food’ and their response was, ‘No, you just care about your health!’ (this is only to mention how blind our society is to, and even promotes, eating disorders). In hindsight, I now realize the cause of my adrenal fatigue was actually my fear that anything I put in my body could suddenly turn it against me. Engaging with food in a fearful way was way more damaging to my health than any food could ever be.
This is the insidious way diet culture has and rebranded and disguised itself as what Christy Harrison calls ‘The Wellness Diet’. The Wellness Diet has replaced the word ‘dieting’ with ‘healthy’. We’re sold the message that thinness=health (it doesn’t) and should be pursued by expensive supplements, detoxes, and cleanses. We’re learning to distrust our bodies (denying our hunger) in the process of becoming less connected with them. Does this not sound like a backward way to pursue health?
True health means being able to eat a variety of foods that suit your appetite without shame and living freely and comfortably in your body as it is. These principles are part of intuitive eating and Health At Every Size which encourage us to move away from living in extremes in order to find balance and moderation. They support the pursuit of true health – mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
If you could benefit from support in releasing your fear of food, I would love to schedule a discovery call with you to see if we are a good match.
