As the world is starting to open back up again, there seems to be a lot of concern about the ‘Quarantine 15’ that may have happened as a result of lockdowns, quarantines, and emotional eating. Advertisements are everywhere for new diets, workout routines, and lifestyle changes that promise to get people back to being the ‘best versions’ of themselves. It’s disheartening, but to no surprise, that the diet industry is using society’s collective trauma to profit off of.
This time last year I heard from people who hadn’t seen me since the start of the pandemic comments like, ‘You look ripped’, ‘You took this as an opportunity to get into the best shape of your life!’ What they didn’t realize they were complimenting was actually the result of very disordered eating, over-exercising, and mental exhaustion. Social distancing became a convenient way for me to isolate myself, control my food, and focus on nothing other than attaining the ‘perfect’ body. The scary part is I wasn’t really even aware of what I was doing. I thought that I just cared about my health and that my behaviors were normal.
Eventually, I came to realize I had a problem that needed healing and I gained a significant amount of necessary weight in a short period of time. At first, I was worried about what people would think. As Lexie and Lindsay Kite explain in More Than A Body, ‘Self-objectification is the invisible prison of picturing yourself being looked at instead of just fully living.’ I really struggled with the concept of ‘letting myself go’. Part of working towards body liberation is considering the cost of achieving the ‘perfect’ body and returning to our personal values (mine are acceptance, compassion, love, pleasure, and peace). These considerations helped me stop the controlling behaviors and trust my body’s wisdom.
When I started this post I searched the phrase, ‘let myself go’, and the results perfectly convey the distinction between life before and after body liberation.
‘Let oneself go’: 1. become careless or untidy in one’s habits or appearance.
“he’s really let himself go since my mother died”
This is what kept me scared of moving forward. What I was essentially afraid of was other people having the same thoughts that I did. Unfortunately, our culture associates fatness with laziness, sickness, and a lack of self-discipline. Reading Lindo Bacon’s Health At Every Size helped me understand that a person’s health outcomes are primarily driven by social, economic, and environmental factors. I had to look at the meaning I was attaching to a larger body and challenge those fatphobic beliefs. I learned to decouple thinness with health, and I moved boldly forward. The liberation that came from rejecting diet culture outweighed my fear of my body changing. ‘Letting myself go’ has come to mean letting go of the rules, restrictions, and body shame. What I’ve gained in return is better relationships, mental real estate, inner peace, fulfillment, memories, freedom, joy, love, and fun. A more accurate meaning of ‘let oneself go’:
2. act in an unrestrained or uninhibited way.
“you need to unwind and let yourself go”
It’s a beautiful way to live.
