When we struggle with body image and disordered eating we live completely in our heads, disconnected from our bodies and their innate wisdom. We don’t trust ourselves and we let diet culture become the authority of our decision-making. We follow external rules about how to eat rather than honoring our own hunger and fullness cues. We look outside ourselves for validation in the form of compliments and assurance which are never enough because within ourselves we feel ashamed.
When I first decided to reject diet culture I often heard the question, ‘Even at your most ideal body size, were you really truly happy?’ I’m sure you’ve had the experience of looking at an old photo and thinking, ‘What was I so unhappy about? I looked great!’ At my ‘ideal’ size I was terrified, alone, and exhausted. I was scared of every food choice for how it might change my body. I had isolated myself from friends (COVID was a convenient excuse) to maintain control over my food. I was physically exhausted from over-exercising and mentally exhausted from never feeling satisfied with my efforts. At that point, if I had been told that weight gain would lead to self-confidence I would’ve called bullshit on that nonsense. How could letting my worst fear come true be less stressful than what I was already doing to myself? But I was committed to ending the cycle of shame.
My body did change, and that was scary at first, but I also knew how necessary it was. I had hypothalamic amenorrhea (no period) for one year because my body was in survival mode. When I eventually outgrew my clothes I learned a lesson in self-compassion and body respect. I realized that wearing small, tight-fitting clothes that kept me hyper-fixated on my appearance wasn’t helping. My clothes are meant to fit me, not the other way around. I could recognize that even though I didn’t like the changes, they were the result of a more relaxed, fulfilling life, and therefore very much worth it.
I started to trust myself once my hunger and fullness cues recalibrated. I gave myself unconditional permission to eat and guilt-free rest when my body needed rest. The panicky feeling of being out of control around food started to slowly fade away. I could eat calmly to satisfaction without the fear of deprivation around the corner. Through food habituation, I knew I could have ‘play’ foods whenever I wanted them so they didn’t have the same power over me anymore. Eating should be easy, shouldn’t it?
The feedback I’ve received from people who follow me on social media has been especially fulfilling. Many women have thanked me for speaking openly about this because they personally struggle with the same issues to some degree. Last week someone told me that they’ve stopped tracking their food because my posts made them realize it was becoming an unhealthy obsession for them – win! Influencing someone to question behavior that’s widely viewed as ‘healthy’ is incredibly rewarding!
Reframing self-critical thoughts doesn’t happen overnight, but it happens more quickly with practice. Now when I see something about my body that would’ve previously triggered a shame spiral I actually feel a liberated sense of rebellion, like, ‘Thank god I don’t have to worry about that anymore, I have more important things to focus on!’ I’ve disconnected my worth from my appearance and rediscovered who I am beyond my body. I’m highly sensitive, optimistic, creative, passionate, curious, and not ashamed of any of that. How ironic is it that I always thought confidence would come from having the ‘perfect’ body and yet here I am, more confident than I’ve ever been in the biggest body I’ve ever been in?