It’s not uncommon for people who have a disordered relationship with food to consider themselves a ‘foodie’. I’m speaking from experience. As a teenager, I had a voracious appetite and later when I met my husband who loves to cook I felt like I had won the lottery. We connected over cooking rich, homemade meals made from scratch and planned 6-8 week-long ‘gastronomic’ vacations where we’d indulge in as much of the local cuisine as possible.
But I could never fully enjoy any of it. I was easily influenced by whatever the ‘wellness’ trend of the moment was – gluten-free, dairy-free, low-carb, no sugar, intermittent fasting, you name it. I would prepare for ‘cheat’ meals by undereating, over-exercising, and telling myself I’d control my portions (not very practical when you’ve starved yourself). During the meal, I ate with a ‘last supper’ mentality, anxiously inhaling the food. Even if I felt physically full I’d keep going because it was my only chance to have the food before following rules again. I never felt satisfied because I felt guilty for eating and was already planning how to ‘make up for it’ later. Not to mention I couldn’t attend to a conversation because my brain space was completely consumed by an obsession to control. I was fascinated by people who could put food down between bites, have a conversation, and leave food on the plate when they’d had enough. I was exhausted and constantly felt like a failure in comparison, like something was wrong with me.
Then I discovered Intuitive Eating; mind blown. Who knew those cravings I had were actually my body knowing what it needed? The reason I was thinking about food all the time is because I was hungry! Turns out the cramps and bloating I thought were caused by food sensitivities were actually caused by my distress about food, not the food itself.
At first, I turned intuitive eating into another diet – the Hunger & Fullness Diet where I tried to eat creepily slowly (mindful eating), trying to register where my hunger and fullness fell on the scale with every bite I took. But my body’s cues couldn’t be trusted because they weren’t calibrated after spending 20+ years so disconnected from my body. Then I read Caroline Dooner’s The Fuck-It Diet and realized I had to put weight maintenance on the backburner (and work on internalized fatphobia).
A common misconception about intuitive eating is that it promotes eating recklessly with no regard for nutrition. Naturally, after labeling foods as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ for so long, the forbidden fruit is going to be exciting! I ate a lot of french toast in the beginning! And then things start to settle down. I started noticing how food genuinely made me feel and honoring whatever my body asked for. Without the fear of restriction, the foods I used to consider ‘bad’ didn’t hold the same power over me. Last week I actually forgot I had pepperoni pizza in my freezer – that would have never happened in the past!
So I’m curious, what is your relationship to food? Is there an aspect of it that you struggle with? Please share in the comments below.