I’ll never forget the moment. I was in my kitchen, listening to Christy Harrison’s podcast Food Psyche. I was found her while searching, ‘how to have body confidence’. She interviews people who all share an eating disorder history in common. She starts with the prompt, ‘Tell me about your relationship with food growing up’. I heard behaviors and thoughts similar to ones I held at that time, and thought, ‘Oh my god, I have an eating disorder’. The week before I had fainted, alone, in my apartment after thinking fasting was a good idea.
Food Guilt
Later that day my husband proposed cooking pizza for dinner and I had an absolute meltdown. I told him how even when I gave myself permission to eat pizza and other ‘off-limits’ foods, I couldn’t enjoy them. I was too busy shaming myself and planning how I would later ‘make up’ for it. To make matters worse, I would restrict beforehand so when it came time to eat I was ravenous and often ate past the point of comfort. Every night I would mentally tally what I ate to determine how ‘bad’ I was that day. I felt like I was on a hamster wheel and there was no way off.
Chronic Fatigue
My relationship with food hadn’t been healthy since about 12 years old. But my food rules escalated at the start of the pandemic. I was attempting an extreme elimination diet to uncover the cause of my chronic fatigue. Fatigue is a vague symptom with many causes, one of them being a disordered relationship to food. Oh, the irony.
Over-Exercising
At the same time, I was over-exercising and had accumulated several injuries. I believed my body was a machine and that if I could be perfect enough, everything would resolve itself. Everything meant lacking a sense of purpose, money anxiety, marriage challenges, etc.
Emotional Eating
In hindsight, I see that my fatigue was because of the nasty inner critic hijacking my mind day in and day out. I didn’t know another way than to bully myself which was why I was also turning to food so often for comfort. Cue the vicious cycle of berating myself for eating when not hungry, rinse, and repeat.
From Victim to Empowered
At that time I came across another podcast, Going Beyond the Food with Stephanie Dodier. This woman changed my life. Actually, she taught me how to change my own life. Her coaching made me aware of my patterns and blind spots that were keeping me stuck. The cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) approach I learned was different from the therapy I’d gone to in the past. It took me from feeling like a victim to feeling empowered. I learned to decide how I want to think and feel about circumstances in my life. I developed a peaceful relationship with food and an accepting one with my body.
Holistic Wellness, Distorted
A year ago, I was a woman who was passionate about wellness. Yet I couldn’t see that I was pursuing it at the expense of my mental and emotional health. I spent all my time and energy trying to conform to an unattainable standard. Empowerment doesn’t come from conforming. I had zero self-confidence or ability to make decisions for myself.
Collective Body Confidence
The Empowered Mind-Body Confident Project was designed for this version of myself. It’s what I needed when I was in the depths of diet and wellness culture. My mission is to help women know their worth beyond their bodies. This can only happen with self-compassion, self-awareness, and reconnection to our intuition. Through 1-1 weekly coaching and yoga practices and meditations, The Empowered Mind-Body Confident Project cultivates growth in every aspect of life. I’ll leave you with one question…
What are you waiting for?
